I’m just starting  to come to terms with how selfish my 18 year old brother is. 
Life. Is good.  

I went shopping for a bunch of shoes, perfumes and some clothes at this store today and non of these were for me. I never thought shopping for others would be this fun. especially if you’re getting a pair of shoes in your size for every kind you pick out! 
Fun fun fun!  

They do make them like this still. You just have to work at them. 
A glad I found these beautiful people to laugh with. 
Shami Party of six.
All walk-ins are welcome. 

Have you ever had to listen to someone air out their grievances all freaking day?!? 
Have you ever looked at somebody with this I-don’t-care face, just because?  
I’ve had to budge several times with several people because I didn’t want the other party to touch me or even come close…
Just because… People make my kind heart reconsider.

The other night (12 AM during a snow blizzard) this girl dupes me into giving her $25 for being poor and lacking a place to stay. She said she had to find a bed at a homeless people’s shelter and that she’d been begging the whole day for just 28 bucks, in vain. I handed her 25 big ones without any questions, and apologized for not having the rest of the amount she needed. I should have seen right through her act had I looked a teeny weeny bit closer, but nope. I didn’t. And I shouldn’t feel bad, because what I did, I did out of pity and humanity for another human being. Hell, I even gave her my number “in case she needed any help”! I feel bad because I’m never handing money like that out again… Much as I love everyone and want to change the world, I cannot get rid of poverty by giving people money. 
It’s sad because the next beggar I might run into on Boylston Street might genuinely need my help. And because somebody duped me once, I won’t be in the mood to help this person in need out. Somebody else has made my heart reconsider in this case. We humans do these things to each other. 
I might just have to detach myself from others, because people like to get spoiled into thinking they can always expect me to give them what they want and that they can always have it. Hell nah! I have my own responsibilities to fulfill. I’m not trying to be selfish but it’s the truth from the deepest depth of my heart. People will keep expecting if you keep on doing for them and giving. This is what they call taking for granted. 
Aaah… The unfair things we do to each other!  

“Share everything.
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
Put things back where you found them.”
If only everybody I knew, or came in contact with my life, had these three disciplines, my life would be so very much more easier.

Wassup wassup wassup, ma’fucka, where my money at?
You gon’ make me come down to your house where yo’ mummy at
Mummy wrap the kids, have ‘em cryin’ for they mummy back
Dummy that your daddy is, tell ‘em I just want my racks
(Racks on racks on racks) Racks

If only… Wishes were horses, beggars would ride. 
Honestly, why can’t people have some shame, or pride to be nice enough to return the things they borrow. I cannot go around asking and demanding for what’s mine because I don’t want to be that unpleasant lender that hops on the borrower’s back for them to get paid. I like to give people all the time in the world but of course every good thing comes to an end. And quite honestly, we must have talked about some kind of compensation in the future when or before I lent you my thing. See? Really… I like to believe I have a beautiful compassionate soul, its fellow human beings that lead me to be the self-centered brat that I don’t like to be at all. Why would I want to help anybody else if I’m always getting played like a fool? 
If I calculated all the money I lent people last year (that hasn’t been paid) or put said funds to something more productive, or even pairs of new shoes and crap that I already have too much of, I’d have a lot. I don’t know about anybody else but 2 grand is a good amount in my book to do the trick. I could have bought a Gucci backpack, but I chose to help this person and the other. And what do I get in return? Calls that go straight to voicemail and my so-called friends hiding their shiny plastic weaves behind their Payless purse. 
Aaah… 

Sometimes you hit people up with the hopes of having a good time or going out to eat or doing something fun just because everyone’s entitled to a little play, and person x might seem like a fun companion so you make plans to go skiing. When the d-day comes… Poof! Nothing happens. And then the day is gone and it’s too late. And it never happens. 
If both parties wanted to go out and do whatever was planned, wouldn’t they at least have come through? Meh… I don’t know, everyone’s different. I personally wait for the other party to confirm planned plans, give me a green light of some sort, and I’ll ump myself up and dress up and go do it! When they don’t call I suppose they don’t want to do the hangdangadang or I feel like I’d be bothering them if I nudged about said plans. So I wait. Its always nice when people text or call me to remind me about hanging out with them because it makes the whole experience that much worthier when person x shows interest to do things together. It might be some sort of personality disorder, psh! Its just the way I’ve felt forever. What happens if the other person thinks the same thing and is waiting for me to call or text? Eh… Life isn’t very easy. I’m going to have to work on my plan-making-with-people skills. 

Always ask before you take. Or give. 
Somebody once told me that if a visitor ever came to the house, I wouldn’t have to offer things or ask if they’d have a certain food or juice or whatever visitors have at your house, that I’d have to straight hand it to them like I was sure they’d have it like I’d have a case of fresh organic strawberries, Mmmm! What if this particular visitor is allergic to food x or just got a stomach bug from drinking tea y. 
Why would you start to show off your dirty linen in public without thinking of the other people on the streets… The little children and their mothers. 
This is one thing that baffles me.
I’m your friend, yes. And I’m going to ask about your cat and new shoes, how your day was at the spa waxing your mustache or how things are with your boyfriend. Yes, because friends are supposed to be there and listen to all these issues you’re dealing with. Any friend that does not take the time to do this, my dear, is not your friend.
Really though, don’t spend the whole night complaining about how much money your mother doesn’t give you or how ugly your outfit seems, or how you haven’t had anything to eat (despite the abundance of food and drinks in your refrigerator) and how old your iPhone is. Aaah… Humans. I will listen, yes. Am not your grievance-jotting-down secretary though, no. I need you to get up and be a man or woman and be happy. Life is not perfect, but life cannot be about one thing either. We need the good and bad; the happy and sad. Don’t make me dislike spending time with you because you whine too much. 
We all have demons to conquer, just don’t wallow in yours and let life pass you by because of how much you focus on the negative: or even positive: like how much this outfit rocks or how horny you are for this bangin’ babe. Give a little bit of this and that. 
As the loving and caring friend that I am, I will ask you about life and the things that go with it and we’ll talk about it and do what can be done to make you feel better. Just don’t overdo it. We have to make time for everything. 
There’s this one friend of mine that won’t stop going on about how much life sucks and it sucks for me because this person is making me want to be a certain distance away from them. I’ll have to run out of things to do before I can choose, in my right mind, to have a conversation (or even hang out) with said friend. Aaah… The beauty of life, the pain never lasts.  

This is a long post. 
How much would I stand and for whom is what it is.  

Only, I’m not. 
Everything is different. I have a wife and kids. 
I am a much better; and smarter woman than I was then. 
My family is funny. I spent a nice day with them today, we went to The Cheesecake for dinner and a movie later. I ate before we left and when we got there, I was already full. So I had a a delicious peach smoothie and a piece of brown bread and ordered my food (and my brother’s) to go. My brother is so lucky to have me. I know he knows this, he just won’t admit it. We were talking about how spoilt he is about an hour ago… Seriously though, me being the older sibling, I spoil my brother. A lot. 
For my birthday, am getting him an iPhone… Or whatever phone he wants. My dad too.

My family keeps asking me where “all this money” comes from and I’ll just laugh and say I have money in the bank. 

I’ve been craving brown porridge the whole day today. It might be the main reason that I came to my aunt’s house in the first place. No, not really. I still haven’t had any so I might make some after everyone’s done watching Fast Five, which I watched at the theater when it came out so I can make my blog entry now… Maybe that’s why I went to see it. So I could have this time to make a journal entry without missing out on the movie. 

We watched um… Descendants? Today at some weird movie place (I don’t remember the movie or place’s name). The movie and place were both weird, the movie: in a good way, the place: in an annoying way. I tried to have a picture of me taken next to The Chipmunks and got yelled at not to take pictures in the lobby. I thought that was really tacky and stupid. Why would you display The Chipmunks in a theater lobby and have a “no picture taking in the lobby” policy at a movie theater, really? 

I wore my minx fur coat. The thing felt so heavy and made me feel so stupid. I like the coat, it’s just a little lot over the top. So no more pimp minx fur coats. No. No. 

For some reason, I’ve been really looking forward to coming home to my computer. It’s the new exciting things that i have to do on it that I can’t do on my phone because of lack of internet. I feel so old school not having internet on my phone. Everybody kept teasing me about how old fashioned I am… I just don’t feel the need to pay for internet if I can use wifi. Oh well… 

I’m sad that my life coach has to leave and go back to his… Place. 
Am deeply thankful that he took the time to have me at his place and let me bug him… It’s nice when people make time for others. I don’t know if he feels my appreciation. Or if he knows how grateful I am for what he’s done for me but I am. And I hope he knows that. 
I’ll prove to him how much better I am than I have ever been and how much I’ve realized in life through the time he coached me… 
I’m very afraid of facing life alone, saying goodbye and people leaving me… Am especially afraid, at this point in my life, of falling back to where I was before.
Sometimes I get so scared I’ll just cry my eyes blood red… I don’t know how to be alone or cope by myself. I’m training myself though. 
I need somebody there. To constantly remind me that I’m not alone or that I won’t die of being alone. It’s the hardest thing to explain. 
And that is why I feel like I am where I was, or that I’ll go back there.
I know there’s people that love and deeply care about me, I just tend to feel like am alone. 
And having no one is sad. 
Saying goodbye is sadder.