And another one, and another one, and then one more. She has the most beautiful eyes, lips and hair. I want us to be the best of friends. So I can have unlimited access to her hair and her lips. I… Her voice, is… Her voice is amazing. I believe. 

Yes, I might be a teeny weeny bit crazy.
Maybe…
Eh, who knows?  

I’m just starting  to come to terms with how selfish my 18 year old brother is. 
Life. Is good.  

I went shopping for a bunch of shoes, perfumes and some clothes at this store today and non of these were for me. I never thought shopping for others would be this fun. especially if you’re getting a pair of shoes in your size for every kind you pick out! 
Fun fun fun!  

Today, I took “everyone’s” advice and did something very conventional, yet unconventional in itself as well. I took my upper lip piercing out. Literally, I took the labret (piece of mouth jewelry) out of the piercing, not the piercing itself. My upper front teeth and gum thank me. Now I can smile brighter.
Piercings are easy, you can take them out anytime. Tattoos are ugly little stamps that you have to commit to, usually till death if you’re not privileged enough to have them surgically “removed”. I decided to leave the lower lip one in for now, till I decide its time. Speaking of piercings, I could work with a septum piercing for a while. I think it would be an easy one to clean and have, in general, I just don’t know about the cold/mucus part. Not that I must have it, I just think it would be nice to have. My mouth feels liberated. My mouth feels free. 
My teeth are safer and not as exposed to chipping, and gum erosion as with the piercing. I got this particular one on my birthday last year. And loved it. It defined me for a while, I just had to let it go. Until next time. It will forever be a part of me in a way though. 
My mind keeps thinking about me getting a tattoo at the back of my neck, or along my biceps or triceps. Like I said, tattoos are ugly forever-stamps. When you get a tattoo, you and your tattoo get married. I see myself with a neck tattoo. I could be a neck-tattoo chic. It has to be really substantial though. Like deep, historical, life-changing, mind-blowing with an awesome back/life story of its own and things. That is how my tattoo should be before it’s imprinted in my dermis. if my tattoo were my wife, she’d be… Indescribable. 

Mouth piercings can get really funny: they call for extra attention and care. Like not eating certain things and a high degree of oral hygiene. The latter, to me and almost every other self-loving homosapien is obvious, it’s with the former that life gets uncomfortable; with said piercing and oral piercings, in general. Eat a little this and it’ll get all messed up and swollen or even worse, infected. My piercings was getting uncomfortable, an unpleasant presence in my mouth. It is not healthy to have unpleasant presences in the mouth. The human mouth, as we know it, is already a disgusting place. The most that the modern human being could do for their mouth and themselves, is keep a good oral hygiene, which I feel like am doing by letting my upper lip piercing close up. It had the tendency to swell and act up out of nowhere, and made my upper lip look un-me and wrongly bigger in pictures. My upper front teeth had started feeling unusually sensitive and bothered and this guy that I really really like and want to be with does not find excessive facial piercings attractive. There! I said it. 

Would you alter your appearance for someone, or something? 
I would. If it meant sense and moving forward. I would. I wouldn’t get a tattoo of my boyfriend’s name or anything like that, I’d take my jewelry out if it increased my chances with somebody I really liked. And I think that is where my subconscious mind was when it clicked in my brain for me today.  

Everybody has piercings these days too. My subconscious mind might be sending out having-less-facial-piercings-is-cooler-than-being-a-studded-face-person signals out. I might simply just have to leave the metal out of my mouth. Or have less of it. 

I just now decided, in my head, to further alter my (facial) appearance. Some things might come in handy. 
Shaving head and/or coloring hair back to black. 
Getting septum piercing done with gold jewelry.
Taking lower labret out. 
Get back neck or arm tattoo… 
Be in a committed growing relationship.  

Sing me a song of joy and comfort. 
Send me praises
like a bed of everlasting roses
with a smell so sweet
and the ever-so-soft
touch of velvety petals.

Send me a kiss of love,
and hunger, and need, and wisdom.
Teach me how to paint high walls
and capture undying emotion. 

Of waking up in a Carlifonia king bed draped with 100% unbleached organic cotton sheets. In an artistically endowed bedroom with high glass windows overlooking a green yard and through it, running a small river. 
Of waking up to the soothing sound of birds chirping, 
the earth their audience.
And rolling around in bed,
with someone playfully prodding me to wake up. 

I want to live in a house with somebody that will teach me 
something new everyday,
all the while respecting my individuality
what makes me who I am
and think the way I do.
This person will be my teacher, my lover
but most of all, a friend. 

Of being there for each other,
laughing together
and making each other happy.
Of cooking for this lover,
and having the best sex.

In the morning and at night 
whenever we like 
Monday up to Sunday.

I dream… 

I’ve tried several times, to think hard of a “happy place,” maybe I’m not putting enough effort into this place, or just don’t have one. I’m still not sure about this supposed heaven in my mind. I try to be less unsure about things of late. 
I don’t have a happy place. Not yet, at least. 
I have a lot of things, though, that elevate my level of happiness… 

I’ve been having this progressive dream for quite a while now… It’ll come on (like a video game in my mind) on some nights, and won’t come on others. It might happen more than one night (sleep session) in a week, or even take months without coming on again… It’s a series of dreams that follow each other, you know, like an actual Series. Like Weeds. 

This dream is Epic, Prophetic, Symbolic, Healing, Recurring, Nightmarish, and False Awakening in my waking life. It’s amazing… Because I’ve always been intrigued by the mind, dreams and and their meanings, and Precognition. I don’t know a lot about Retrocognition, but that is something I’m definitely interested in learning about. 
I’ve been able to see and feel things before they actually happened, in the past. And something deep inside me feels like I always know something the rest don’t know. And actually feel (see, dream, feel) this thing and have it happen after I knew about it before it happened. I used to listen to my classmate’s dreams and interpret them at the age of 13-14 until some kids started messing with me about it and I stopped. 
Hahaha I remember actually being “Dentist” in Primary Boarding school. I used to take (pluck) my dorm-mates’ little milk teeth out. And I’d dress up in this long night gown my mother had this lady custom-make for me. She used to take us to the taylor to have clothes made for us for school… Aaah, good times. 
Yes though… I did those things and more for my own entertainment. And for free!
Haha toilet paper used to be my “glove” as the dentist. I did not need al those fancy teeth machines. Meh. 

So in last night’s episode/game session of Dream, I flew. 
I always feel “awake” in these dreams and there’s so much going on, things so epic they’d only be in The Mark of Zorro. 
And I will know that these things cannot happen in real life, the whole time, but my subconscious will insist that said dream is happening. I’ll wake up crying or palpitating and even biting on my tongue and feel so dumb but it’s just how my mind works. 

There are dreams (Lucid Dreams) that you have and realize that you’re just dreaming and might wake up, or choose to go on dreaming which is actually a skill you have to acquire. And if you choose to dream on, you can actually have yourself participate in the dream and custom-dream. Like design this dream. 
These dreams that I have though, are definitely not like that. They’re the “feel real” kind. Vivid dreams. Dreams that I can play over and over in my head like a movie. 

“Epic dreams (also referred to as Great Dreams, Cosmic Dreams or Numinous Dreams) are so huge, so compelling, and so vivid that you cannot ignore them. The details of such dreams remain with you for years, as if you just dreamt it last night. These dreams possess much beauty and contain many archetypal symbology.  When you wake up from such a dream, you feel that you have discovered something profound or amazing about yourself or about the world. It feels like a life-changing experience.”
 http://www.dreammoods.com/dreaminformation/dreamtypes/

In the last dream episode, the buildings in this mysterious world I live in all came crumbling down. It was very scary, but not so bad because I/We get a warning about this earthquake-building destruction thing that happens, so we escape. There’s a lot of people in these dreams. Sometimes I’ll make faces out, sometimes the faces are just plain blurred, which means that I’d have to think and work on the identity of these faceless people in my waking life. And that’s just one of the many clues and symbols I have to piece together for this puzzle to be of significance. 

These dreams can get really graphic and horrific and I’ll wake up sweating with my heart going a million beats a millisecond… I’ve talked to my dad once or twice about them, and he always says the same thing.
“Those movies you watch.” 
I actually don’t watch a lot of horror movies. My favorite kinds are mind-bending, independent, artistic (different) movies. I don’t watch a lot of Telly. It’s once in a blue moon that I actually sit and watch Telly like that. I need some more Telly-time in my waking life. 
Horror movies are nothing compared to my dreams. Not even close. In fact, I find most horror movies absurdly funny, a lot of times annoying, foolish adult play. 
And am not saying I don’t watch horror movies, I’d just know it if I ever had horror-movie dreams, which I obviously do sometimes. These are not those though. 

Last night was a repeat/ continuation of the last episode. The buildings came crushing down, but this time we (the people in Dream City) had a considerable amount of time to escape to safety compared to last episode’s destruction. It’s very disturbing to dream about someone in your waking life dreaming… So I don’t like to even think about it or try to remember if anyone ever kicks the bucket in these things. 
Death in a dream won’t mean that someone’s going to die though. It’s still hard to go through that toll still. 
In the midst of all the dream buildings destruction, in which everyone is excited for some weird reason, I look down at my feet, and notice that I don’t have heels on my supposedly high-heeled shoes and get so excited about this… The fact that I’m more mobile and comfortable without heels (I’m not friends like that with heels in waking life either) and in this situation, have to run to safety. We do this, me and two others (get ourselves to safety) and out of nowhere, I start floating into the air and eventually start to fly. 
This dream felt so vivid.

My wingless body is featherlight and the air kind. 
The trees make way for me to fly through and above them
and the birds cheer me on while the wind carries me.  
Amidst all the dust and gravel 
high and far, I travel… 
To see a blue sky. 

Flying feels good. 
Many symbols (mentioned and not mentioned in post) in this dream I had last night mean a lot of things. And these meanings make a lot of sense when I think about, and interpret them. 

Generally speaking, dreams work for me in my waking life. 
Dreams are mind-made movies that like to reveal little and big things and also mess with us in our waking life.

I believe in Dreams. 

Today is a good day. I get my monthly gift, with a cherry on top, from the generous Mother Nature. Having your period is never exciting until you have a pregnancy scare. Then you wake up one morning and

Whoomp! (There It Is)

Cramps and bloating and all the lower back pain in the world cannot take this moment of joy away from me. 
You know when you have the most protected sex a girl can have and still have that very unsettling feeling that somehow, you might have a bun in the oven. Its horrible when you’ve been there and done that, because you understand and have actually felt the pain and trauma of having to go through a pregnancy scare or the mere possibility of this thing happening again. So you’re happy that your period is here. And once again, you vow to the gods to keep the goods away from anything that could impregnate you in any certain way, and protect yourself the best way you can, get some kind of contraception that stays there. And that you don’t have to worry or panic from forgetting about so you won’t have to beat yourself up ever again. 

That is how I feel. I especially dislike the fact that my right and left brain have conversations with each other every month about this life-changing issue. I just have to do it. Fasten my shoe laces, and walk to that doctor’s place and do this thing. Contraception. Am not getting any younger, can’t deny the fact that am sexually mature and active, and that my body can choose to get pregnant in whichever circumstances it feels the most comfortable to, unless I choose to be smart about it, which I am. and condoms are not quite doing this thing for me. So yeah… 

This is not me trying to justify promiscuity or anything. This is one of those things that I know I have to deal with and is the smart choice for me. Am not trying to sleep with every man and woman out there. No. I understand that things do happen though. I might just get curious about the cute tall guy sitting next to me in the bank, and things might happen. I want to be prepared when such things start to happen. 

I broke up a few months ago (maybe 2) and within this timeframe, I’ve had sex enough times to have a pregnancy scare. And even when I had my last period, I felt like it was just spotting, and that I could have been packing, which I wasn’t, thank heavens! I think its some kind of phobia from knowing how sucky it is to be young and pregnant. You let him hit it raw and the next minute he’s doubting if it actually is his. Bear in mind, this is a guy you’ve been fucking for a year. Aaah… Never again. 

Today, I decided on which kind of contraception to get. 
ParaGard. I’ve done a healthy amount of research to be sure that I want this and that it fits my lifestyle. ParaGard is a non-hormonal IUD so it eliminates all the mormon-related side affects that go on with birth control. Why the hell would I waive my monthly menstrual cycle? I personally don’t feel the need to not have my period every month. I mean, its nature and its meant to be. That’s where all the weight gain, mood swings and whatnot come in. Aaah… I’ve dealt with enough hormonal contraception in my lifetime. 

So yes. I’m happy that my period is here, so I can get this little guy in there within the next two to three days. Woo!
Sex sex sex! 
 

Came back from the store with art, knives and spoons, forks and knives. 
Walking at night is relaxing. 
The aspect of being invisible at any given moment, is… Exciting. 

You know when you’re driving at night and almost run over a lunatic crossing the street (at night) in the darkest clothes from their closet and a teeny weeny bit of you actually wishes you’d run into this night road-crosser so they’d learn how to dress when taking walks… At night. And get it into their heads that accidents and taking walks in dull-colored clothing at night, and death are not a joke. 
I’ve actually seen a good number of people cross the highway (in dull-colored clothing) at 00:00 hrs. 
I would be one of those lunatics. 

You know when you realize something and you feel like, “Jeez! Why in the world did I not see this before?” That’s how I felt like tonight when I realized how dull-colored my night walking outfit was (and still is); men’s Ugg slippers, black nike sweatpants and hoodie, with a black hat and gray and black (stripped) scarf. 
I annoyed myself. I just never thought about it before, I guess. Just like so many other things in life: story for tomorrow. 
Something about my surroundings and the bigger picture.
It feels good to walk like that at night though, with the dark clothes and all. It’s exciting, in a funny weird sort of way. 

I’m packing so much junk in my trunk (stomach). I eat so much. Obviously, my metabolism is high… Some cookies are just so good though. I just want to keep eating and eating and eating. I probably should think about taking more fluids so I won’t pass out each time I climb out of a couch or bed. It’s just been happening so much recently… Sometimes I feel like I might be pregnant, maybe, somehow… But I know it’s just my blood pressure… And something with my blood and veins and oxygen, and eating a lot of salt and little fluids. Aaaah… My life. 

I need to go to the gym. I met this guy, Gym-guy. I have a feeling this is my sign from the gods to start, and get motivated to work out and increase my energy and get me some abs. Am excited about this new relationship in my life. 

Sometimes things will just put themselves together and you won’t even see it. And by the time you (if you’re lucky to) notice their existence… You’re like…

“Aaah, Life, I see what you did there!” 

I’m a recovering undercover over-lover 
recovering from a love I can’t get over 
recovering undercover over-lover 
and now my common law lover thinks he wants another 

And I’d lie for you 
I’d cry for you 
and pop for you 
and break for you 
and hate for you 
And I’ll hate you too 
If you want me too 
Ah, Uuu… 
I’d pray for you 
crochet for you 
Make it from scratch for you 
Leave out the last for you 
Go to the store for you 
Do it some more for you 
Do what you want me to 
Yes I’m a fool for you… 

Have you ever had to listen to someone air out their grievances all freaking day?!? 
Have you ever looked at somebody with this I-don’t-care face, just because?  
I’ve had to budge several times with several people because I didn’t want the other party to touch me or even come close…
Just because… People make my kind heart reconsider.

The other night (12 AM during a snow blizzard) this girl dupes me into giving her $25 for being poor and lacking a place to stay. She said she had to find a bed at a homeless people’s shelter and that she’d been begging the whole day for just 28 bucks, in vain. I handed her 25 big ones without any questions, and apologized for not having the rest of the amount she needed. I should have seen right through her act had I looked a teeny weeny bit closer, but nope. I didn’t. And I shouldn’t feel bad, because what I did, I did out of pity and humanity for another human being. Hell, I even gave her my number “in case she needed any help”! I feel bad because I’m never handing money like that out again… Much as I love everyone and want to change the world, I cannot get rid of poverty by giving people money. 
It’s sad because the next beggar I might run into on Boylston Street might genuinely need my help. And because somebody duped me once, I won’t be in the mood to help this person in need out. Somebody else has made my heart reconsider in this case. We humans do these things to each other. 
I might just have to detach myself from others, because people like to get spoiled into thinking they can always expect me to give them what they want and that they can always have it. Hell nah! I have my own responsibilities to fulfill. I’m not trying to be selfish but it’s the truth from the deepest depth of my heart. People will keep expecting if you keep on doing for them and giving. This is what they call taking for granted. 
Aaah… The unfair things we do to each other!  

“Share everything.
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
Put things back where you found them.”
If only everybody I knew, or came in contact with my life, had these three disciplines, my life would be so very much more easier.

Wassup wassup wassup, ma’fucka, where my money at?
You gon’ make me come down to your house where yo’ mummy at
Mummy wrap the kids, have ‘em cryin’ for they mummy back
Dummy that your daddy is, tell ‘em I just want my racks
(Racks on racks on racks) Racks

If only… Wishes were horses, beggars would ride. 
Honestly, why can’t people have some shame, or pride to be nice enough to return the things they borrow. I cannot go around asking and demanding for what’s mine because I don’t want to be that unpleasant lender that hops on the borrower’s back for them to get paid. I like to give people all the time in the world but of course every good thing comes to an end. And quite honestly, we must have talked about some kind of compensation in the future when or before I lent you my thing. See? Really… I like to believe I have a beautiful compassionate soul, its fellow human beings that lead me to be the self-centered brat that I don’t like to be at all. Why would I want to help anybody else if I’m always getting played like a fool? 
If I calculated all the money I lent people last year (that hasn’t been paid) or put said funds to something more productive, or even pairs of new shoes and crap that I already have too much of, I’d have a lot. I don’t know about anybody else but 2 grand is a good amount in my book to do the trick. I could have bought a Gucci backpack, but I chose to help this person and the other. And what do I get in return? Calls that go straight to voicemail and my so-called friends hiding their shiny plastic weaves behind their Payless purse. 
Aaah… 

Sometimes you hit people up with the hopes of having a good time or going out to eat or doing something fun just because everyone’s entitled to a little play, and person x might seem like a fun companion so you make plans to go skiing. When the d-day comes… Poof! Nothing happens. And then the day is gone and it’s too late. And it never happens. 
If both parties wanted to go out and do whatever was planned, wouldn’t they at least have come through? Meh… I don’t know, everyone’s different. I personally wait for the other party to confirm planned plans, give me a green light of some sort, and I’ll ump myself up and dress up and go do it! When they don’t call I suppose they don’t want to do the hangdangadang or I feel like I’d be bothering them if I nudged about said plans. So I wait. Its always nice when people text or call me to remind me about hanging out with them because it makes the whole experience that much worthier when person x shows interest to do things together. It might be some sort of personality disorder, psh! Its just the way I’ve felt forever. What happens if the other person thinks the same thing and is waiting for me to call or text? Eh… Life isn’t very easy. I’m going to have to work on my plan-making-with-people skills. 

Always ask before you take. Or give. 
Somebody once told me that if a visitor ever came to the house, I wouldn’t have to offer things or ask if they’d have a certain food or juice or whatever visitors have at your house, that I’d have to straight hand it to them like I was sure they’d have it like I’d have a case of fresh organic strawberries, Mmmm! What if this particular visitor is allergic to food x or just got a stomach bug from drinking tea y. 
Why would you start to show off your dirty linen in public without thinking of the other people on the streets… The little children and their mothers. 
This is one thing that baffles me.
I’m your friend, yes. And I’m going to ask about your cat and new shoes, how your day was at the spa waxing your mustache or how things are with your boyfriend. Yes, because friends are supposed to be there and listen to all these issues you’re dealing with. Any friend that does not take the time to do this, my dear, is not your friend.
Really though, don’t spend the whole night complaining about how much money your mother doesn’t give you or how ugly your outfit seems, or how you haven’t had anything to eat (despite the abundance of food and drinks in your refrigerator) and how old your iPhone is. Aaah… Humans. I will listen, yes. Am not your grievance-jotting-down secretary though, no. I need you to get up and be a man or woman and be happy. Life is not perfect, but life cannot be about one thing either. We need the good and bad; the happy and sad. Don’t make me dislike spending time with you because you whine too much. 
We all have demons to conquer, just don’t wallow in yours and let life pass you by because of how much you focus on the negative: or even positive: like how much this outfit rocks or how horny you are for this bangin’ babe. Give a little bit of this and that. 
As the loving and caring friend that I am, I will ask you about life and the things that go with it and we’ll talk about it and do what can be done to make you feel better. Just don’t overdo it. We have to make time for everything. 
There’s this one friend of mine that won’t stop going on about how much life sucks and it sucks for me because this person is making me want to be a certain distance away from them. I’ll have to run out of things to do before I can choose, in my right mind, to have a conversation (or even hang out) with said friend. Aaah… The beauty of life, the pain never lasts.  

This is a long post. 
How much would I stand and for whom is what it is.