And another one, and another one, and then one more. She has the most beautiful eyes, lips and hair. I want us to be the best of friends. So I can have unlimited access to her hair and her lips. I… Her voice, is… Her voice is amazing. I believe. 

Yes, I might be a teeny weeny bit crazy.
Maybe…
Eh, who knows?  

Is easy. 
It doesn’t take a fish eye
to see… 

• I’m painting my nails a silver metallic. I’m excited about how they’re going to come out. 
• I’ve finished painting my nails. They look good, I like them. My friend Shamim likes them too. 
• I got in a fight with my dad’s girlfriend. It was ugly. I’ll have to come back to that later today. Be kind, rewind. 
• I’ve been eating all day. I packed two bags of microwave popcorn to Shamim’s house and just remembered that her microwave burst into angry-I-wanna-quit/retire flames. She hasn’t yet bought a new one.  
• I sent my cousin Jeff some money, I feel like him and I are embarking on this adventurous and highly successful journey. 
• I have a very high metabolism. Naturally, my body is kinder to drinks than it is to food. I’m glad I love drinking smoothies and creamy… Ok. 
• My opinion of Tyler Perry’s movies (not that it matters); racially biased and overly melodramatic. Different things for different people though, right? 
• I love sleeping in people’s beds. 
• My phone is very light and smooth, but you won’t ever tell from its rubber cover. 
• I find that older men turn me on more with everyday that goes by. 
• I don’t see myself being in a sexual relationship with a guy in my age group, I need at least 8 years older. 
• I see that happening with a an “age mate” of the same sex though. I’d do everything for the perfect woman. 
• Long finger nails (real or fake), I don’t find attractive on a female. 
• I like beards and bald heads. 
• Nobody ever calls my phone!!! 
• Unshelled pistachios. Are not worth it. The shells are there for a reason, I tell ya! I need my nuts in shells. Nuts in shells. 
• Chewing brings noise to my brain. I could do without it. I think chocolate is kinder, because chocolate (well; good chocolate) melts all creamy and smooth on the tongue. 
• I’m a very good swimmer. 
• I’m very sensitive to scents and voices. But nothing can replace the ability of storing a moment, and passing that moment onto somebody else through a photograph. Beauty. Smiles. Faces. Places. 
• I’m very intuitive, and posses certain psychic abilities. 
• I am a mammoth with a very high metabolism. 
• I have so much drama in my life, I don’t need to go to the movies. 
• Libras are the best kissers. 
• I love strawberries and mangoes the most. 
• I like when girls pretend they don’t like you, and yet they’re actually wetting… 
• Wait, what?!? 
• I have a tummy ache from eating a lot. 
• I have a lot of names, of them all, I like to be addressed by Shammy. It’s my birth name. My name. 
• I do not like taking medicine. 
• Needles and pins have scarred me. 
• My mother disowned me from a post she saw on Tumblr. 
• I’m a leader. 
• I think am done now. 

I’ve tried several times, to think hard of a “happy place,” maybe I’m not putting enough effort into this place, or just don’t have one. I’m still not sure about this supposed heaven in my mind. I try to be less unsure about things of late. 
I don’t have a happy place. Not yet, at least. 
I have a lot of things, though, that elevate my level of happiness… 

Alone nobody knows. 
I’m walking a path of grass and roots 
bare feet the pebbles and soil. 
I am alone out here
they see me pass
but don’t even care to ask.  

Where am going
nobody knows
no one’s  been there…  

Came back from the store with art, knives and spoons, forks and knives. 
Walking at night is relaxing. 
The aspect of being invisible at any given moment, is… Exciting. 

You know when you’re driving at night and almost run over a lunatic crossing the street (at night) in the darkest clothes from their closet and a teeny weeny bit of you actually wishes you’d run into this night road-crosser so they’d learn how to dress when taking walks… At night. And get it into their heads that accidents and taking walks in dull-colored clothing at night, and death are not a joke. 
I’ve actually seen a good number of people cross the highway (in dull-colored clothing) at 00:00 hrs. 
I would be one of those lunatics. 

You know when you realize something and you feel like, “Jeez! Why in the world did I not see this before?” That’s how I felt like tonight when I realized how dull-colored my night walking outfit was (and still is); men’s Ugg slippers, black nike sweatpants and hoodie, with a black hat and gray and black (stripped) scarf. 
I annoyed myself. I just never thought about it before, I guess. Just like so many other things in life: story for tomorrow. 
Something about my surroundings and the bigger picture.
It feels good to walk like that at night though, with the dark clothes and all. It’s exciting, in a funny weird sort of way. 

I’m packing so much junk in my trunk (stomach). I eat so much. Obviously, my metabolism is high… Some cookies are just so good though. I just want to keep eating and eating and eating. I probably should think about taking more fluids so I won’t pass out each time I climb out of a couch or bed. It’s just been happening so much recently… Sometimes I feel like I might be pregnant, maybe, somehow… But I know it’s just my blood pressure… And something with my blood and veins and oxygen, and eating a lot of salt and little fluids. Aaaah… My life. 

I need to go to the gym. I met this guy, Gym-guy. I have a feeling this is my sign from the gods to start, and get motivated to work out and increase my energy and get me some abs. Am excited about this new relationship in my life. 

Sometimes things will just put themselves together and you won’t even see it. And by the time you (if you’re lucky to) notice their existence… You’re like…

“Aaah, Life, I see what you did there!” 

I don’t know if that’s supposed to be good or bad but I took the time to read about the phases of the moon. It looks like the moon’s been growing from a new moon. I remember the last full moon. Oh wow! Three weeks seems like ages ago! Hm… So much has been going on. And not going on. 

Imagine all that extra time am going to have because I cut my hair? 
Aaah… The freedom! I feel the freedom in the air… Like a hot icy peppermint chocolate to clear your throat, or a ball of soup or porridge. Sitting on a barber’s chair for the first time in 3-4 years… It felt great! The buzz of the machine, the barbers gentle movements, the liberation from all that weight! Woo! I will not miss those braids or that hair. Well, not to sound mean or disgruntled or sheer negative… But my hair and I have been through so much in the last four years. From all the bleaching and braiding and teasing and relaxing and coloring: to all the blood, sweat and tears and the good time… I love my hair because it’s apart of me, but me and this hair had to part ways. We loved each other, but we knew it was time. 
Think about this, every time you shave your beard in the morning, that’s a piece of your DNA going down that dirty drain. A piece of you. Gone.

So I cut my hair. And am so glad to be able to move my neck freely. I think my neck has been getting  used to being stiff, so I have to train my mind to remember that the weight is gone and so my brain can send the neurons to the nerves for me to move my neck around so freely. my subconscious has to remember. 

I remember driving through New York at full moon and seeing a fair bloody-brown moon. Hm… I wonder if it’s all the gas and emissions in the air, you know… The more we moved away from NY, the brighter it became. I remember going 70 mph on the highway with the moon’s illumination falling ever-so-gently on the trees and occasional electricity poles. 
Aaah…

Next Sunday, the moon is going to be a perfect half.

 Think how awesome it is to be able to see the moon the same way around every corner of the earth (to the human eye, at least- not regarding angles). My mom in East Africa is gonna see the same moon that I see in Mass. Wow! Is the universe humongous or what?!? And we’re just tiny little creatures being watched over by this huge earth… 
I wonder why we won’t stop to think about this before we burn all this plastic, cut down every tree and pollute the rivers…   

So am sitting here stuffing my mouth with halloween candy, and thinking of what to write for missing the last two days… I do feel bad, because am not keeping up to my word. And yet my word is my bond. I’m breaking my bond. No no no! I cannot break my bond. My bond is all I need to piece the whole of me together. I cannot afford to fall apart. No. 
Falling apart is the worst thing that could happen to a human being.
We humans are built to go on and on and on for long without “falling apart”.
We’re designed to be resilient and not take crap from life.
So when we do actually “fall apart,” things fall apart: they go bad. 
Forget about breaking your nail, the usual boyfriend-girlfriend break-ups or the broken phone… I’m talking death, poverty, a life of broken dreams, rape, disease, greed, religion, addiction… Things that tear us apart as the resilient creatures that we are. Things that break nations and races apart. 
I need my bond, because I cannot afford to fall apart.
This is why, I need to grab my word and hold it together. Try to fix the stuff that needs to get fixed. I cannot. 

I’m still debating on whether I should include everything that happens to me in this journal, or to spill so I can come back and read through all my mischief and drama in the future. Haha I still have to think on it, but if anything, and my decision includes spilling, I’ll take the time to write about everything that’s happening… Matter of fact, why don’t I do that to fill up for my aforementioned word-bond breaking, I’ll have to update my journal. About the things that have happened in the past that have changed my life. 

I’ll have to hide this from most of my family, but what the hell… Curiosity killed the cat. He treads fire that wants his feet burned. 
So yes, today I choose to write about the things that happen(ed) to fix my bond. 

Whoo! That was easy. 
And by making up the bond, I mean, at least two 500 word journal entries err’day.  

Have you ever had to listen to someone air out their grievances all freaking day?!? 
Have you ever looked at somebody with this I-don’t-care face, just because?  
I’ve had to budge several times with several people because I didn’t want the other party to touch me or even come close…
Just because… People make my kind heart reconsider.

The other night (12 AM during a snow blizzard) this girl dupes me into giving her $25 for being poor and lacking a place to stay. She said she had to find a bed at a homeless people’s shelter and that she’d been begging the whole day for just 28 bucks, in vain. I handed her 25 big ones without any questions, and apologized for not having the rest of the amount she needed. I should have seen right through her act had I looked a teeny weeny bit closer, but nope. I didn’t. And I shouldn’t feel bad, because what I did, I did out of pity and humanity for another human being. Hell, I even gave her my number “in case she needed any help”! I feel bad because I’m never handing money like that out again… Much as I love everyone and want to change the world, I cannot get rid of poverty by giving people money. 
It’s sad because the next beggar I might run into on Boylston Street might genuinely need my help. And because somebody duped me once, I won’t be in the mood to help this person in need out. Somebody else has made my heart reconsider in this case. We humans do these things to each other. 
I might just have to detach myself from others, because people like to get spoiled into thinking they can always expect me to give them what they want and that they can always have it. Hell nah! I have my own responsibilities to fulfill. I’m not trying to be selfish but it’s the truth from the deepest depth of my heart. People will keep expecting if you keep on doing for them and giving. This is what they call taking for granted. 
Aaah… The unfair things we do to each other!  

“Share everything.
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
Put things back where you found them.”
If only everybody I knew, or came in contact with my life, had these three disciplines, my life would be so very much more easier.

Wassup wassup wassup, ma’fucka, where my money at?
You gon’ make me come down to your house where yo’ mummy at
Mummy wrap the kids, have ‘em cryin’ for they mummy back
Dummy that your daddy is, tell ‘em I just want my racks
(Racks on racks on racks) Racks

If only… Wishes were horses, beggars would ride. 
Honestly, why can’t people have some shame, or pride to be nice enough to return the things they borrow. I cannot go around asking and demanding for what’s mine because I don’t want to be that unpleasant lender that hops on the borrower’s back for them to get paid. I like to give people all the time in the world but of course every good thing comes to an end. And quite honestly, we must have talked about some kind of compensation in the future when or before I lent you my thing. See? Really… I like to believe I have a beautiful compassionate soul, its fellow human beings that lead me to be the self-centered brat that I don’t like to be at all. Why would I want to help anybody else if I’m always getting played like a fool? 
If I calculated all the money I lent people last year (that hasn’t been paid) or put said funds to something more productive, or even pairs of new shoes and crap that I already have too much of, I’d have a lot. I don’t know about anybody else but 2 grand is a good amount in my book to do the trick. I could have bought a Gucci backpack, but I chose to help this person and the other. And what do I get in return? Calls that go straight to voicemail and my so-called friends hiding their shiny plastic weaves behind their Payless purse. 
Aaah… 

Sometimes you hit people up with the hopes of having a good time or going out to eat or doing something fun just because everyone’s entitled to a little play, and person x might seem like a fun companion so you make plans to go skiing. When the d-day comes… Poof! Nothing happens. And then the day is gone and it’s too late. And it never happens. 
If both parties wanted to go out and do whatever was planned, wouldn’t they at least have come through? Meh… I don’t know, everyone’s different. I personally wait for the other party to confirm planned plans, give me a green light of some sort, and I’ll ump myself up and dress up and go do it! When they don’t call I suppose they don’t want to do the hangdangadang or I feel like I’d be bothering them if I nudged about said plans. So I wait. Its always nice when people text or call me to remind me about hanging out with them because it makes the whole experience that much worthier when person x shows interest to do things together. It might be some sort of personality disorder, psh! Its just the way I’ve felt forever. What happens if the other person thinks the same thing and is waiting for me to call or text? Eh… Life isn’t very easy. I’m going to have to work on my plan-making-with-people skills. 

Always ask before you take. Or give. 
Somebody once told me that if a visitor ever came to the house, I wouldn’t have to offer things or ask if they’d have a certain food or juice or whatever visitors have at your house, that I’d have to straight hand it to them like I was sure they’d have it like I’d have a case of fresh organic strawberries, Mmmm! What if this particular visitor is allergic to food x or just got a stomach bug from drinking tea y. 
Why would you start to show off your dirty linen in public without thinking of the other people on the streets… The little children and their mothers. 
This is one thing that baffles me.
I’m your friend, yes. And I’m going to ask about your cat and new shoes, how your day was at the spa waxing your mustache or how things are with your boyfriend. Yes, because friends are supposed to be there and listen to all these issues you’re dealing with. Any friend that does not take the time to do this, my dear, is not your friend.
Really though, don’t spend the whole night complaining about how much money your mother doesn’t give you or how ugly your outfit seems, or how you haven’t had anything to eat (despite the abundance of food and drinks in your refrigerator) and how old your iPhone is. Aaah… Humans. I will listen, yes. Am not your grievance-jotting-down secretary though, no. I need you to get up and be a man or woman and be happy. Life is not perfect, but life cannot be about one thing either. We need the good and bad; the happy and sad. Don’t make me dislike spending time with you because you whine too much. 
We all have demons to conquer, just don’t wallow in yours and let life pass you by because of how much you focus on the negative: or even positive: like how much this outfit rocks or how horny you are for this bangin’ babe. Give a little bit of this and that. 
As the loving and caring friend that I am, I will ask you about life and the things that go with it and we’ll talk about it and do what can be done to make you feel better. Just don’t overdo it. We have to make time for everything. 
There’s this one friend of mine that won’t stop going on about how much life sucks and it sucks for me because this person is making me want to be a certain distance away from them. I’ll have to run out of things to do before I can choose, in my right mind, to have a conversation (or even hang out) with said friend. Aaah… The beauty of life, the pain never lasts.  

This is a long post. 
How much would I stand and for whom is what it is.  

Morning I snoozed my alarm and woke up two hours later than I had originally planned. Its nice that I wasn’t late for my gynecologist appointment, but it blows that I didn’t get what took me there in the first place done. Oh well, gives me time to think about birth control methods. 

I need sushi in my life right now. Sushi always makes me feel better so after this post, I’m getting into that Hummer and driving 17 minutes to go get me some White Tiger rolls. 

Last night I watched my father do 3 day old dishes. I feel horrible because I’m that horrible daughter that could have done those dishes a long time ago and not have let my double shift working father do them at 1 AM in the morning… But I… I won’t even make any excuses, I feel so guilty. I planned to go make a nice home-cooked meal for him and my brother, but I’ve been at my friend’s house sleeping since after my doctor’s appointment… Aaah… I feel so tired. I have to make up for last night somehow… I meant to go house-things shopping today, maybe I will before the malls close. 

My braids feel really really heavy. I have to decide when I should take them out so I can be liberated from this hair hell. Its that uncomfortable. I don’t know what I was thinking at the time I got them done, or even if I was thinking… But yeah… That’s that. The hair has to go. I’m ignoring trying to ignore the fact that I spent 250 big ones to get this weight on my head put in and once am over it, its goodbye to these extensions and hullo bald head. 

So much has gone down the past week. 
I don’t even know where to start…  
Pebbles in The Flinstones is so adorable.  

Life would be so much easier if the things that are meant to be mine bore my name, or a clear sign that they’re supposed to belong to me so I’d know what to reach for and what not to touch. 
I wish people wouldn’t have so many expectations of me because then I wouldn’t end up feeling horrible for what I do or do not just because somebody expects different. 
I wish my life were that simple; to pick out the pledges and responsibility I’d be able to keep and not have extra baggage weigh me down.

Friends. 
Responsibility.
Things.  

From tip towards leaves. 
In this case, curiosity is not the cat’s killer: nature is.  

I love strawberries. They’re both beautiful and delicious, the red and green compliment each other perfectly. A strawberry’s seeds are on the outside, you won’t even feel them as you bite into the juiciness of this… Exquisite fruit. The crunch they create… Aaah… In fact, till this day, I did not know of the existence of seeds on a strawberry. You’d think that I’d have more knowledge on the food I eat. Tsk tsk tsk. 
A strawberry is nature’s gift to the earth.

Why, I ask myself, would I get pricked by a strawberry though? Is this nature’s way of driving a specific point home or is it just hostility? I like to think that this is some sort of sign from Mother Nature (Earth) for me to be more aware of my surroundings or to pay more attention to other things and people that aren’t me, or about myself. 

Seriously… I looked online for anything about getting pricked by a strawberry under every search term and phrase I could think of… 

Nothing
Nada 
Zip 
Zilch 

I’m a very superstitious  faithful person. I believe in things. Some things will, and others won’t make sense to people; but all my beliefs make sense to me in one way or another. My thoughts, dreams, premonitions… They all work for me somehow, so why wouldn’t I believe in them? 
I remember this one time I had a premonition that someone in my family was going to pass away and true to my belief, my aunt (R.I.P) passed away less than two weeks later. I know about coincidence and everything, there’s just things that go deeper… 
Inexplicable happenings that go beyond what is seen and known. 
This is why… This strawberry issue has been boggling my mind for days now. 
Why would something as fragile be so… 
Unpleasant?  

I’ve tried to provoke strawberries to prick me several times, never have I felt a sting. On the day, though, that am peacefully enjoying these lovely gifts from Mother Nature, trying to stay out of everybody’s way is when this specific Strawberry decides to prick my fingertip with it’s teeny weeny prickle. Hm… 

The smaller the pin, the sharper the sting. 

I’ve been told several times by several people, that its always about me with me, and that I don’t pay enough attention to my environment (surroundings). I do not like hearing this of course, and try as hard as I can to involve myself and be selfless but obviously I need to do a better job. 
Pay attention.
Thing about others and not just myself.
I’m not selfish, just a little more self absorbed than I should be. This is me defending myself, which is natural… Sad but it’s true. 
Today, the first carrot I tasted tasted like vodka. Vodka makes me sick. Why would a fresh untampered-with baby carrot taste like vodka?  

Dear Earth and Mother Nature,

I place myself in your arms. Teach me how to see beyond my nose and to think about the feelings of others and not just my emotions. 
Teach me how. I know nothing. Nothing at all. 
 

I love clothes with all my heart, I just don’t have as much fun wearing them. Its worse now that its winter and this place is cold as… Cold.  
Layers on top of layers on top of layers. No no.
My skin is the only thing I feel comfortable wearing. Its nice that clothes keep me warm and everything, I just… I’m not a clothes person a.k.a I’m most comfortable in my “Eve’s Dress”. 
Clothes, shoes, hair… All the weight. I’ll deal with the smallest lightest things. 
Braiding my hair this long isn’t really helping my situation. My extensions weigh my head down. Heck, my natural hair feels boulder-heavy on it’s own.  It just isn’t right. 

I don’t know if theres people that feel this way towards clothes and shoes and bras… Ohmygarfeild! Bras and panties are the worst.
Socks? Socks and I are friends at specific times. 
If I could, I would spend everyday of my life butt-naked.
My ancestors did it easy.  
This is one of those reasons I need my own space. An apartment with no rules or roommates or any of those hinderances to deter my nakedness.  

I’m cutting my hair off when I get the ump to take my extensions out and go through with it. I just feel horrible having spent $250 barely a month ago getting these heavy ropes attached to my skull, and taking them out this early. Ugh! I’ve been putting this haircut off for a while now. I think I’ll cut my hair for my 21st birthday though. Fingers crossed. 
Shami, you need to be a man woman about this thing. 

I just want to be able to carry my own weight and be in my body without having to worry about extra baggage and tight clothes and whatnot. I need this. 
I don’t remember the last times I jumped up and down without having to worry about my hair (extensions or natural) or my clothes. 
Now, to gather the courage for this life-changing event. 
Deep breath.  

I am a nuturist.  

I totally forgot to make an entry today. Yesterday. 
Am such a horrible rememberer. 
Today was a good day. I remembered to take my medicine. 
Said bye to my wonderful strict life coach and that was really sad. I’m happy that I get to do all this new stuff him and I talked about to make my quality of life better. Blow his mind. 

I’m looking forward to facing life as an adult.
I’ve been so sheltered my whole life. When I look at the world and everyone around me, I’ve lived my life with a silver spoon in my mouth. I need to be responsible for myself and learn to think about others. I realized, over the months, how selfish I am.
My family ordered Chinese food when I went to see her, she let me have the fortune cookie which said to remember to go out of my way to do something kind once in a while. How clear can a sign get? 

Brevity is the soul of wit. 

I know things. 
It’s a very weird feeling. But this is a feeling that has been there (in me) since I can remember. 

People won’t know that I know, and they’re wrong, 
sometimes somebody will know that I know… 
And I will see it in their eyes 
the acknowledgement that they are where I am… 
A knowing glance of respect and approval 
that they know what I know.

But I know nothing.
Because even when the signs are there, I won’t see them.
Maybe I let myself believe there’s signs in the first place,
I don’t know anything. 

But I want to learn.