I’m a recovering undercover over-lover 
recovering from a love I can’t get over 
recovering undercover over-lover 
and now my common law lover thinks he wants another 

And I’d lie for you 
I’d cry for you 
and pop for you 
and break for you 
and hate for you 
And I’ll hate you too 
If you want me too 
Ah, Uuu… 
I’d pray for you 
crochet for you 
Make it from scratch for you 
Leave out the last for you 
Go to the store for you 
Do it some more for you 
Do what you want me to 
Yes I’m a fool for you… 

I don’t know what to do with myself.

Chocolate always makes me feel better. Especially on dull days like this one. 
Nothing major has happened. Yet. I have to wait on and think about some things and see how they turn out after today. 
Right now… Chocolate’s all that matters.
And thats why I love Halloween candy.
My aunt yells on the phone. Goodness!  

Have you ever had to listen to someone air out their grievances all freaking day?!? 
Have you ever looked at somebody with this I-don’t-care face, just because?  
I’ve had to budge several times with several people because I didn’t want the other party to touch me or even come close…
Just because… People make my kind heart reconsider.

The other night (12 AM during a snow blizzard) this girl dupes me into giving her $25 for being poor and lacking a place to stay. She said she had to find a bed at a homeless people’s shelter and that she’d been begging the whole day for just 28 bucks, in vain. I handed her 25 big ones without any questions, and apologized for not having the rest of the amount she needed. I should have seen right through her act had I looked a teeny weeny bit closer, but nope. I didn’t. And I shouldn’t feel bad, because what I did, I did out of pity and humanity for another human being. Hell, I even gave her my number “in case she needed any help”! I feel bad because I’m never handing money like that out again… Much as I love everyone and want to change the world, I cannot get rid of poverty by giving people money. 
It’s sad because the next beggar I might run into on Boylston Street might genuinely need my help. And because somebody duped me once, I won’t be in the mood to help this person in need out. Somebody else has made my heart reconsider in this case. We humans do these things to each other. 
I might just have to detach myself from others, because people like to get spoiled into thinking they can always expect me to give them what they want and that they can always have it. Hell nah! I have my own responsibilities to fulfill. I’m not trying to be selfish but it’s the truth from the deepest depth of my heart. People will keep expecting if you keep on doing for them and giving. This is what they call taking for granted. 
Aaah… The unfair things we do to each other!  

“Share everything.
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
Put things back where you found them.”
If only everybody I knew, or came in contact with my life, had these three disciplines, my life would be so very much more easier.

Wassup wassup wassup, ma’fucka, where my money at?
You gon’ make me come down to your house where yo’ mummy at
Mummy wrap the kids, have ‘em cryin’ for they mummy back
Dummy that your daddy is, tell ‘em I just want my racks
(Racks on racks on racks) Racks

If only… Wishes were horses, beggars would ride. 
Honestly, why can’t people have some shame, or pride to be nice enough to return the things they borrow. I cannot go around asking and demanding for what’s mine because I don’t want to be that unpleasant lender that hops on the borrower’s back for them to get paid. I like to give people all the time in the world but of course every good thing comes to an end. And quite honestly, we must have talked about some kind of compensation in the future when or before I lent you my thing. See? Really… I like to believe I have a beautiful compassionate soul, its fellow human beings that lead me to be the self-centered brat that I don’t like to be at all. Why would I want to help anybody else if I’m always getting played like a fool? 
If I calculated all the money I lent people last year (that hasn’t been paid) or put said funds to something more productive, or even pairs of new shoes and crap that I already have too much of, I’d have a lot. I don’t know about anybody else but 2 grand is a good amount in my book to do the trick. I could have bought a Gucci backpack, but I chose to help this person and the other. And what do I get in return? Calls that go straight to voicemail and my so-called friends hiding their shiny plastic weaves behind their Payless purse. 
Aaah… 

Sometimes you hit people up with the hopes of having a good time or going out to eat or doing something fun just because everyone’s entitled to a little play, and person x might seem like a fun companion so you make plans to go skiing. When the d-day comes… Poof! Nothing happens. And then the day is gone and it’s too late. And it never happens. 
If both parties wanted to go out and do whatever was planned, wouldn’t they at least have come through? Meh… I don’t know, everyone’s different. I personally wait for the other party to confirm planned plans, give me a green light of some sort, and I’ll ump myself up and dress up and go do it! When they don’t call I suppose they don’t want to do the hangdangadang or I feel like I’d be bothering them if I nudged about said plans. So I wait. Its always nice when people text or call me to remind me about hanging out with them because it makes the whole experience that much worthier when person x shows interest to do things together. It might be some sort of personality disorder, psh! Its just the way I’ve felt forever. What happens if the other person thinks the same thing and is waiting for me to call or text? Eh… Life isn’t very easy. I’m going to have to work on my plan-making-with-people skills. 

Always ask before you take. Or give. 
Somebody once told me that if a visitor ever came to the house, I wouldn’t have to offer things or ask if they’d have a certain food or juice or whatever visitors have at your house, that I’d have to straight hand it to them like I was sure they’d have it like I’d have a case of fresh organic strawberries, Mmmm! What if this particular visitor is allergic to food x or just got a stomach bug from drinking tea y. 
Why would you start to show off your dirty linen in public without thinking of the other people on the streets… The little children and their mothers. 
This is one thing that baffles me.
I’m your friend, yes. And I’m going to ask about your cat and new shoes, how your day was at the spa waxing your mustache or how things are with your boyfriend. Yes, because friends are supposed to be there and listen to all these issues you’re dealing with. Any friend that does not take the time to do this, my dear, is not your friend.
Really though, don’t spend the whole night complaining about how much money your mother doesn’t give you or how ugly your outfit seems, or how you haven’t had anything to eat (despite the abundance of food and drinks in your refrigerator) and how old your iPhone is. Aaah… Humans. I will listen, yes. Am not your grievance-jotting-down secretary though, no. I need you to get up and be a man or woman and be happy. Life is not perfect, but life cannot be about one thing either. We need the good and bad; the happy and sad. Don’t make me dislike spending time with you because you whine too much. 
We all have demons to conquer, just don’t wallow in yours and let life pass you by because of how much you focus on the negative: or even positive: like how much this outfit rocks or how horny you are for this bangin’ babe. Give a little bit of this and that. 
As the loving and caring friend that I am, I will ask you about life and the things that go with it and we’ll talk about it and do what can be done to make you feel better. Just don’t overdo it. We have to make time for everything. 
There’s this one friend of mine that won’t stop going on about how much life sucks and it sucks for me because this person is making me want to be a certain distance away from them. I’ll have to run out of things to do before I can choose, in my right mind, to have a conversation (or even hang out) with said friend. Aaah… The beauty of life, the pain never lasts.  

This is a long post. 
How much would I stand and for whom is what it is.  

Morning I snoozed my alarm and woke up two hours later than I had originally planned. Its nice that I wasn’t late for my gynecologist appointment, but it blows that I didn’t get what took me there in the first place done. Oh well, gives me time to think about birth control methods. 

I need sushi in my life right now. Sushi always makes me feel better so after this post, I’m getting into that Hummer and driving 17 minutes to go get me some White Tiger rolls. 

Last night I watched my father do 3 day old dishes. I feel horrible because I’m that horrible daughter that could have done those dishes a long time ago and not have let my double shift working father do them at 1 AM in the morning… But I… I won’t even make any excuses, I feel so guilty. I planned to go make a nice home-cooked meal for him and my brother, but I’ve been at my friend’s house sleeping since after my doctor’s appointment… Aaah… I feel so tired. I have to make up for last night somehow… I meant to go house-things shopping today, maybe I will before the malls close. 

My braids feel really really heavy. I have to decide when I should take them out so I can be liberated from this hair hell. Its that uncomfortable. I don’t know what I was thinking at the time I got them done, or even if I was thinking… But yeah… That’s that. The hair has to go. I’m ignoring trying to ignore the fact that I spent 250 big ones to get this weight on my head put in and once am over it, its goodbye to these extensions and hullo bald head. 

So much has gone down the past week. 
I don’t even know where to start…  
Pebbles in The Flinstones is so adorable.  

Life would be so much easier if the things that are meant to be mine bore my name, or a clear sign that they’re supposed to belong to me so I’d know what to reach for and what not to touch. 
I wish people wouldn’t have so many expectations of me because then I wouldn’t end up feeling horrible for what I do or do not just because somebody expects different. 
I wish my life were that simple; to pick out the pledges and responsibility I’d be able to keep and not have extra baggage weigh me down.

Friends. 
Responsibility.
Things.  

Ten years and ten days from now…
When I get there (Insha Allah), I want to look at the decisions I make right now and be proud of myself. I want to do it now so I won’t have to beat myself up later. It sucks that I have to screw up on some things the first time so I can get the point home later, but if I could, I’d definitely do things… I take that back, I wouldn’t do things any different. Because then, I’d miss out on the things that could have happened.
Coulda shoulda woulda.

At this point in my life, I’m looking at tomorrow.
Today is good, tomorrow is better.
I’m choosing my friends, training my brain and heart to think and beat a certain way… Its now or never. I’m not a robot, this is going to take a lot. Time, effort, determination and a side of wishful thinking…

I don’t know where am going. What is working is where I’m from, and where I am. I’m a believer in destiny. I’m here because I need to be. There’s a reason for everything, where I go, who I meet, and why I’m there. I feel like its all a puzzle that I’m supposed to piece together, and thats why I choose to hold on to the past and pay attention to the present. I feel like if I paid as much attention to things as I ought to, I’d clearly tell the future or prevent something unpleasant from happening. Weird? Its one of those feelings that are there like that! I don’t remember thinking of or encountering anything like it, but its just there. And its there… To stay.

So disappointed.